*Sigh*

I have been thinking about going back to work recently, but I don't want to go work for a company. I would rather do something creative. I can sew, but I don't love sewing, and think that would become monotonous very quickly, especially if I would have to do it. I have been thinking about taking a creative writing course that would help me express myself better, then maybe try to get something published, hopefully something humorous. I don't know if I can be funny all the time, though.

I just might work a retail job for the Christmas season, but that might require me to work on weekends. I really want to be home with the family, but I could be earning some money to pay for the writer's course tuition. That and maybe get discounted stuff for working at a store. DH wants me to work at Home Depot, which is right down the street, but I don't think they give good discounts to their employees. I hear it is only once a year and only 10 percent. However, you can always make out on sales because you're informed before anyone else or get some of the returned merchandise at a good price.

I changed the name of this blog back to Silvergirl's journal because It's Cheaper than Therapy doesn't really describe me at all. I have been lamenting my relationship with my mother these past few months. It has disinegrated to a very low point, and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I need to stop focusing on things I can't fix and move on.

DH said we will go over to mom's house on Monday to check on a rug we left over there. Most likely it's been destroyed by rats, but we need to see what's left of it. My bad for letting him store it over there. It was a beautiful wool rug with fringe on the ends that I had bought for my first apartment. I paid $125 for it at a store called Brager Gutman's in downtown Baltimore. I loved that rug, but because of an incorrectly installed vacuum cleaner belt by DH, it got chewed up. The vacuum brush was not supposed to be on when the vacuum was in the upright position and I was using it to suction something with the hose, but I didn't know it was eating up the carpet. Anyway, maybe he owes me a new one, but then again his money is my money.

When he told me we were going to mom's I told him jokingly that I would go into the house and tell her I hate her. That got a laugh from him, as he understands some of the problems I've had with that woman. I just don't like it that she can't be halfway decent to her own granddaughter. Well, she can treat me like dirt if she wants to, but leave my kids alone!

When my father died, we were all over to the house sitting around the dining room table. My mother tried to hand the phone to my then 12 year old DD. Now, mind you, there are 5 or 6 adults sitting around the table, but mom asks my kid to make a phone call for her. Mom is legally blind, so that's why she needed help dialing. I wasn't sitting close to the conversation, but the next thing I heard was Mom screeching, "You mean you won't help me!"

My niece Carrie said she could make the call, and she did. Later, mom ordered DD to pick something up off the floor, and DD just went into the next room. Mom made some comment like, "You're not going to do that, either." It struck me that mom was testing DD, but also that she doesn't know how to treat kids like real people. It's probably why I have some problems with trying to win approval all the time by doing too much or promising too much of myself.

DD is not one of those kids who talks on the phone a lot and the phone mom tried to hand to her was filthy with grime. The whole house is really filthy anyway, with food left on the floor and animals that need a bath. Well, you don't bath cats, but you should change their litter often. The dog stinks and always has runny eyes.

I remember being treated like a servant in my parent's home. I certainly served as their built in babysitter, without ever hearing the words, "Thank you." Since I was the oldest daughter, I was basically charged with most of the chores. My older and younger brother only needed to take out the trash once a week, while my sister and I did the household laundry, hanging it up outside, and washed the dishes, swept floors, etc.